Brownies:
So, I'm trying to lose the weight I've gained. And today has been a day of not eating much. My stomach has been rolling most of the day, so I've only eaten a few pieces of toast w/ raw honey. So, as I sat here watching TV this evening, I'm being bombarded with commericals with this brownie pan. It's the "magic" brownie that cooks them seperated. (my mom actually has this pan). But every time it comes on I start drooling. I LOVE brownies. I love chocolate.....and yummy gooey thick brownies...OMG. Complete heaven on earth.
And then right after that, a commerical for McDonald's. Now, my stomach didn't want that, but geez. Here it is 10:43pm and all the commericals are about junk food. This is the time of day you really DON'T need to be eating. Eating right before bed is a no no. And now I sit here wanting a brownie.
And now I'm beating myself up for wanting a brownie. My head is screaming at me "that's one of the reason's you've gained so much weight" and my taste buds are screaming "we don't care....we want yummy brownies." And then there are my thighs and butt. They are letting me know they don't want to stretch out any further. And yet STILL I want the brownie. If it was actually in my house, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I would eat it. And then I'd HATE myself for giving into temptation. I hate this circle that happens when it comes to food. It's enough to make you crazy.
What 'People' are saying:
People keep telling me, I don't need to lose any more weight. And that makes me crazy. (are you seeing that I'm crazy most of the time?) I DO need to lose the weight. I'm inching up to 150lbs. The thought of that makes me completely nauseous. I worked so hard the past year, and it all seems to be gone. And I understand why people would tell me that. I haven't taken a workout pic of myself in a long time. They can't see what I do. They don't see that I've gone from a size 5 pant to a size 8-9. That my arms are just flat. That I have cottage cheese sliding down my legs. I HATE this. And at the moment can do nothing about it. And I hate that even more. As I sit here, bryan is off working out. And do you know what I did? I ate about 5 bites of banana pudding. WTF??? I'm off my frakkin' rocker. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I think you may have a distorted view of your body, babe. Everyone's got problem areas. Ask yourself if you notice other people's and judge them negatively for it. I really doubt you do. I can assure you that no one worth knowing is judging you.. cept yourself.
ReplyDeleteTalk to a doc about a healthy diet and workout regimen, and please PLEASE do not beat yourself up for WANTING brownies or eating a few spoonfuls of anything after a day of toast. A body needs calories to function. You'll be stronger and more able to battle illness if you fuel and move your body properly.
You go ahead and lose whatever weight you want, but your organs will stop functioning if you don't feed yourself. Cravings are natural and eternal. Forgive yourself. And try not to be disgusted with your body. It's as lovable as the rest of you.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteAfter doing so well for my first Spartan troop (all the way back in 2008, yikes) I let stress get to me last year. Faced the scales a month ago - 50lbs heavier. I was so upset. It took me ages to find that right mental place to want to get back to exercising, not giving in to pizza and chocolate every week.
In personal training, they said the people with the worst body image are athletes. Those who have been in terrific shape - it's hard to be 'okay' with your body when you know what it can be. But please don't beat yourself up about it - even bodybuilders have 'off seasons'.
Take care :)
FA
ReplyDeleteI know what your feeling, I was there the last two weeks.. After keeping close track of my period with an apple application on my iphone, i found put that my worst self defeating attitudes come from my PMS..I always heard some women have horrible PMS, but i honestly didnt think i was one of them.. I thought i was just suffering from a lot of stress & some depression..But i definitlty did see a huge, huge pattern..I think its hard to pick yourself up & get going on again becuase we always someone to do it for us first..But peeling off & dusting off the ground & is a big triumphant feeling.. I wish i lived near you!!! Get back in the game, you will love yourself that much more...And do everything you can to avoid sugar. Brush your teeth, swish w/ mouthwash, make believe a cockroach crawled into the batter of those browenies...anything to take your mind off of it.. The guilt is horrendous..Think about what makes you happy & live there..Hope you feel better soon..Love ya!