My first day of blogging. Kinda scary for me. Putting my thoughts and dreams out into cyberspace. I'm no writer, and I have a tendecy to ramble, but I feel like I need to put down what's happening with my life. Maybe sharing my experiences will inspire/help others.
My name is Frances Ann. I'm 31yrs old and the mother of two kids. A girl who just turned 5 and a son who just turned 3. My husband is a preacher and a middle school teacher. So to say the least, I'm a very busy person.
This time last year I was striving to be in the best shape of my life. And I finally got there. I'm 5'10" and weighed in at 127. I was in the middle of a wonderful round of P90X, and was a member of an online group that supported me to no end. You see, in September I was to dress as a female Spartan at the sci-fi/fantasy/comic/pop culture/gaming convention called Dragon Con. And I did it. And I loved every moment of it.
I thought that I was part of a family in my online group. A supportive family. That ended up not being so. To some members, my costume wasn't up to par (as being the only girl, I had to come up with my own "Spartan bikini") and suddenly I felt like I wasn't good enough. My confidence was shattered. And no matter how much my husband and friends tried to tell me how great I looked, all I could here was I wasn't good enough.
And those thoughts have brought me to where I am today. I've gained 20lbs, and can hardly find the motivation to workout. Along with that, either I or my kids have been sick since Jan. 5th. I'd gain a little momentum in my workouts then WHAM sick again.
I've been dealing with depression for a number of years now, and let me tell you, having looked soooo good, to losing all my confidence in myself, to being sick and not working out.....I've fallen into a deep depression. I'm on medication (Paxil) but somedays even that doesn't help. I see pictures of myself from last year, and I don't even know who that is anymore. I want to find that girl again....but I'm so lost I'm scared I don't know how.
At this moment, I'm still sick, but I want to start my journey back. So I thought this would be a good starting point. Each day I'll be listing how I feel, what has happened in my mind, and my workouts. Here's to hoping I find a way to deal with it all. Maybe I'll find a connection between my depression and how I feel working out. I don't know....but I'm ready to find out.
First and foremost, you're a wonderful person and a wonderful friend. Keep that in mind as much as you can, because it's the truth!
ReplyDeleteOpening up about yourself and the troubles you've been having is hard, but it's a good step in the right direction. I'm always here for you. *hugs*
I've always found it helpful and affirming when other people are candid about their struggles with depression. Thank you for opening up. Kind of funny that you said you had such a bad day yesterday, because I did, too, and I know if feels really lonely at the bottom. Praying for both of us...
ReplyDelete*hugs the new blogger*
ReplyDeleteMany of us out here in cyberland understand depression (it's kicking my ass at this very moment) and many of us have been betrayed by/lost support groups and been left feeling less than worthy of love. Last year, you were getting support and encouragement, but the work you did toward your goals was all you, babe! You shared your victories with your people, probably telling yourself and them that this was the magic zone and none of it could happen without them.. But that's not true. Feels true, I know, but it's not. You're awesome and amazing, same as you've always been. You just forget sometimes. Love the you who can get stuff done, and also love the you who cares so much it knocks you down when love goes away. It's horrible to live through, but that depth of feeling is gorgeous and precious. You're a compassionate woman, so practice it as often on yourself as you do on others. You're loved and you're loving, but life's a steep hill to climb unless you love yourself, too.
(I may need you to remind me of this later today. Copy and paste it into my facebook or something...hehe)
Hi Frances Ann, I'm so happy that you totally decided to 'confide' in us this way, I want u to know that i look up to you in so many ways, especially in the genuine & loving person that you are. I havent known you all that long, but it feels like we have been friends for much longer. I want u to know how much i care about you, & care for your happiness & well being. I'm looking forward to peeking more into your heart & thoughts as i read your precious blog and getting to know you more. I'm here if you need me! You are there for me by just writing your blog..I dont mistake or underestimate that. You can help me with my depression too. Love ya girlfriend :) <3
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're sharing your thoughts, insights and struggles with us. Talking about it at all is just a testament to your inner strength.
ReplyDeleteIn all my communications with you, I've found you to be a very compassionate person and well-rounded geek. Your costume WAS awesome and creative! The results you achieved were because of YOUR drive to do so. YOU had a goal, and YOU achieved it. I'm sure you had the support to do it, but your supporters couldn't MAKE you reach your goal. Again, you did that. No small feat, considering that most people don't follow through and achieve their goals.
Unfortunately, people will always find something to fixate on, so that they can knock others down a few pegs, and I've come to believe that much of that has a lot to do with said people attempting to deal with their own insecurities. Sadly, the way they do this is knocking down others, since they know no other way. It's a vicious cycle, and seeing as they can't admit it they are trapped.
I feel sorry for them. What I can say is that you should brush off their comments of naysayers. I'm not discussing constructive criticism, since that can potentially be helpful! I'm discussing the rest of that stuff. Also, regarding the costume... it was great. Also, it's a costume... I understand that people can be sticklers over accuracy and such, but seeing as there isn't (at least to my knowledge) a female Spartan costume from "300" to begin with, who the heck are they to make comments about accuracy? Ha!
Anyway, without babbling on, I know how difficult it is to maintain confidence in yourself when people tell you that your work isn't good enough, or that you're not good enough to do "X." I've had my own issues dealing with rejection and the depression that followed, but I've had good people around me, like you have good people around you who love you—and they can help you out of any funk you have, if you let them. :)
As Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
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ReplyDelete/sweaty hugs FA! :)
ReplyDeleteHey Frances Ann,
ReplyDeletejust had a moment, thought i would come by and share my thoughts with you. You are a very wonderful person. And No i am not just saying that to make you feel better. Or because thats the thing to say when you are down. I have always loved your relationship that you and your love of your life has had and the relationship that you developed with your children. You have always had a very quiet gentle spirit about you and in alot of ways i know it has alot to what you experience emotionally. I understand the "war" of depression because i struggle with "confidence" issues as well. Acceptance issues and just issues of not being good enough.
At church i see your child go to the altar and i see you and yours pray together and thats what keeps my spirits up just alittle bit.. Gives me that extra boost i need for just a few more days. You mentioned one time before you try to the silver lining in life. Me too girl, me too. Know that i appreaciate, you being you, you dont try to be something you arent. You dont try tyo be above or below anyone and just because you are a christian you don't try to be "the most upstanding christian who never fails" type of person. I have always known you and hubby to be who ya'll are shortcomings and all , never to judge or critize anyone else for theirs,
Thank you guys for being there for my shortcomings, you and hubby have been the only people i could go to about my struggles and the extent of them with the confidence that i would not be judged but prayed over and gently guided back to where i needed to be.
I love you guys for that. And appreciate everything you do either knowingly or not.
love Amanda