Day 11 part 2

Workout DONE. Felt good to get right back into the swing of things, no matter how tired I am today. P90 Sweat 1-2 w/ AR100. I got the WORST pain in my side at the first set of run lunges. OMG, I could not get it to loosen up. I've never had a stitch that bad before. I was in the floor it was hurting so bad. After getting it to stretch out a lil', I just jumped right up and got right back to it. Good sweat, dodging kids added a little something extra, and had to add in a couple of "mommy, my tummy hurts....and mommy, I've gotta poopoo". For me, that's just part of working out at home.

I am having that wonderfully happy feeling this time. I'm tired, I'm loopy, but I feel frakkin' GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!!!! Now to get my nutrition under control, and I'll be back to fighting the good fight.

ARE YOU READY TO BRING IT??????!!!!!!

Day 11

Took a couple of days off blogging, only to be hit with another sickness in the house. Noticed Colin wasn't acting quite right yesterday morning, but didn't realize something was bad wrong till he climbed onto my lap at church. He was burning up. So we got him home and gave him some meds and he went to sleep. I kept a close eye on him, but at 11pm his fever shot up too 104. So we made the decision to take him to the ER. When they took his temp there, it was 104.6.Diagnoses: Ear Infection. We got a great nurse and a wonderful Dr. and were in and out of the ER at Smith/Northview in about an hour.

Two shots and a suppository later, we left. I pulled out the sofa bed so I could sleep with him to keep a better eye on him. His fever broke at about 5am, but he's still one sick kiddo. So, keeping him home from school (of course) and watching and waiting.

Again, just when I think our family is getting healthy, something like this happens. BLAH!!! I'm sooooo tired, but also know that working out will actually make me feel better. So I plan on getting a workout in today. I took the last 2 days off to spend some quality time with my family. We needed that time together.

Day 10

P90 Sculpt 1-2 done. I really have to get bigger weights to do my arms. I've lost alot of the strength I had, but already my muscles are starting to perk up. I'd gotten so used to the P90X arms & shoulders routine, that this one felt really short. I feel like I coulda done alot more....but slow and steady is my goal right now. Work myself back up to going flat out.

Feel pretty good after this workout. Still not that jubilant feeling, but getting better. Coming off the week of "womens stuff" helps...LOL. Been really tired today, and didn't get much of anything done. Of course that could be because I was most busy reading High Noon by Nora Roberts. Pretty good book....but it has taken me FOREVER to read it. I can usually read a book that size in 1-2 days. I've been on this one almost 2 weeks. BAH!!!

Hmmmm....maybe I can turn this blog into a book review too....I love love love to read and talk books, so why the heck not. I can't be depressed all the time, right???

Day 9

Wow...been an interesting day. Very emotional for me. Lots of ups and downs. Not the way I really enjoy spending a day. Almost felt manic-depressive. But......on a fantastic note, I worked out today!!!! Woohoo!!!!! It wasn't pretty, but it got done. And I took pics. My Day 1 pics so to speak. Compared to what I was, I'm waaaaaaaaaay outa shape. But not as bad looking as it could be. Let's see if I can figure out how to post them.....


I feel good about having worked out, but I don't have that super happy feeling I'm used to after a workout. It might be that I just have alot on mind today, or stress, or other crap.....I don't know.

There's other stuff happening that makes me sad. But really not interested in talking about it. So instead I'll talk about mundane things like really not liking the movie G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. I was really disappointed in it. I actually fell asleep, which is something I DO NOT do during movies.

I'm also dealing with another breakout of acne. I've had acne since I was in the 5th grade. And I thought by this point in my life I would be acne free. NOT!!!! I've done every treatment there is, and the only thing that halfway worked was ProActive. But I just couldn't afford to keep up the order. It's so frustrating. And embarrassing. I'm 31 and I have adolescent acne. This does NOT help my self-confidence at all. I feel fat and have pimples all over my face. Not to mention my chest and back. It's sliding it's way down my body...EEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Day 8

I liked myself today. Haven't done that in a long time. Woke up with energy, ready to start the day. I ate solid food, and actually drank a coffee. Mmmmmmmmmmm coffee!!!!! My mind was at peace today. Well, all the way up till I realized I forgot to take my crazy pill last night. EEK!!! But even still, I had a really good day.

Looks like I might be starting back to working out tomorrow. Probably something a little slower tempo like P90 Sweat 1-2. See how my body reacts, then onward to my round of P90X Lean. Gotta take it slow though at first. I can NOT allow myself to get sick again. I will try to help that along by going to the doctor next month. Get a full physical and see if there is anything physically wrong with me that could be effecting my depression. And also talk about my continuing stomach issues.

Day 7

Wow....a week of blogging. And what an interesting week it's been. I can tell you, with the PMS and then starting my period, I can conclude that hormones and my depression did not mix well. I'm going to start really counting the days and seeing exactly when I start to sink into depression worse. If it's continually at the time around my period, I'll have more info to give my phyciatrist. And the more info I can give her the better.

I'm feeling ok today. I'm eating my first real food in 3 days at this very moment. My stomach is NOT happy about it. But I can't just continue not eating. The only good thing that's come outa this, is I've lost 6lbs. Of course...not the best way to lose weight.

My spirits are also on the rise today. I was back to my roll of chauffer for the family. My body is weak, and I'm really tired, but I still mentally feel pretty good. So YAY!!!! I'm not gonna push it and workout today, but I think I'm inching toward getting back to it. Another YAY!!!!

On a sad note, the mom of a friend of ours was in a bad car accident today. They think she broke her neck, and the last update we had was she couldn't feel anything below her neck. Someone ran a Stop sign and plowed into her. It seems as though bad things are happening to alot of parents of friends of mine. And I ache for them all.

As I close this for now, the food is NOT sitting well, but I'm praying it stays down. I've got to get the nutrients. And our TV is being taken over by Laurana's favorite shows now....she's fallen for....ANIME.

Day 6

Well, apparently my depressive rants have made people really worry about me. That was never my goal. I'm not suicidal, I'm not gonna harm myself or anyone else, I'm just really really down right now. Though today I'm slightly better.....slightly.

I'm still extremely sick at my stomach. I ate 2 bread sticks and about 4 crackers today, and each time I ate my stomach just rolled and rolled. You can hear the food make it's way down my digestive system. And am dehydrated. Booooooo. I'm trying to keep the fluids going, so I'm hoping THAT doesn't get too bad.

I have some really great friends. And a really great NEW friend. I got several emails, pm's, txts, last night from people worried about me. Again, I never wanted to worry anyone. I'm just trying to get out my feelings and not hold them in. For me, holding my feelings in is very destructive. Much more so than getting them out. Anyway, after talking with several people, I'm set on getting a full out physical after the beginning of the month. Complete with blood tests and a long converstation with the Dr.

Also next month my son FINALLY has an appt with the Marcus Institute. We are going to finally hopefully get a diagnoses for him about his autism. Nothing but good can come of this. Anything to give me ideas of what we need to be doing for him, to grow and live.

Day 5 part 2

I'm hurt. I'm sitting here on my couch, and my emotions are all over the place. Why do I put myself out there to people? Hell, why am I even doing this. It's all opening me up for more hurt. And I'm tired of being hurt. It just puts my confidence in myself and in others in a box and crushes it. Am I wrong? Are they wrong? I don't know. All I know is what was said made me cry. And I hate crying.

Day 5

Well, didn't throw-up the cake. But honestly, I just don't want to eat now. Even bland stuff makes my stomach roll. BAH. I'm so completely tired of sickness. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I was looking around the net last night, and came upon a photo gallery of pics from DCon that my friend Turo took. He made alot of the pieces of my costume. And he totally rocks. Anyway, as I was looking at them, I was amazed at how good I truely looked. In my eyes, I blended really well with the guys. I just don't see what the big fuss was about.

But let me tell you what it did do. It made me want to get back on the wagon. My body has never looked as good as it did then. And not only that, my confidence was at it's peak. I was holding myself with pride. I've noticed lately that I walk around with slumped shoulders and my head hanging down. I've started wearing baggy clothes again to hide my body. I'm mean here it is the first day of Spring, and I'm terrified of pulling out a pair of shorts. It's truely amazing how much can happen in a year. Last year I was buying new bikini's and this year I'm looking at one pieces with the shorts or skirts.

And to top everything off, I started my period yesterday. In the middle of the frakkin' grocery store. GAH! And, I have sprouted a HUGE zit right next to my right nostril. It hurts soooo bad. Looks like another day spent inside my frakkin' house today. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a world outside these walls.

Day 4

Lil' late, but it's getting done. Sick? Yup....that would be me again. Threw-up today. Oh how I hate to throw-up. My sides are soooooo sore from coughing, and now heaving on top of that??? I twist wrong and my entire body siezes up. This SUCKS!!!!

Made a chocolate cake today for my hubby's birthday. Well, I baked the cake part....then puked, then made him and Laurana ice it. lol. Now, I'm braving said chocolate cake....I just wanted to taste it. And guess what....I can't taste jack squat. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Now if it does come back up, it will have been for nothing.

Just finished Season 1 of Dexter. Love, love, love this show. Not sure exactly why, but I do.

Hoping to feel better tomorrow, until then......i'm outa here.

Day 3 part Deux

Brownies:
So, I'm trying to lose the weight I've gained. And today has been a day of not eating much. My stomach has been rolling most of the day, so I've only eaten a few pieces of toast w/ raw honey. So, as I sat here watching TV this evening, I'm being bombarded with commericals with this brownie pan. It's the "magic" brownie that cooks them seperated. (my mom actually has this pan). But every time it comes on I start drooling. I LOVE brownies. I love chocolate.....and yummy gooey thick brownies...OMG. Complete heaven on earth.

And then right after that, a commerical for McDonald's. Now, my stomach didn't want that, but geez. Here it is 10:43pm and all the commericals are about junk food. This is the time of day you really DON'T need to be eating. Eating right before bed is a no no. And now I sit here wanting a brownie.

And now I'm beating myself up for wanting a brownie. My head is screaming at me "that's one of the reason's you've gained so much weight" and my taste buds are screaming "we don't care....we want yummy brownies." And then there are my thighs and butt. They are letting me know they don't want to stretch out any further. And yet STILL I want the brownie. If it was actually in my house, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I would eat it. And then I'd HATE myself for giving into temptation. I hate this circle that happens when it comes to food. It's enough to make you crazy.

What 'People' are saying:
People keep telling me, I don't need to lose any more weight. And that makes me crazy. (are you seeing that I'm crazy most of the time?) I DO need to lose the weight. I'm inching up to 150lbs. The thought of that makes me completely nauseous. I worked so hard the past year, and it all seems to be gone. And I understand why people would tell me that. I haven't taken a workout pic of myself in a long time. They can't see what I do. They don't see that I've gone from a size 5 pant to a size 8-9. That my arms are just flat. That I have cottage cheese sliding down my legs. I HATE this. And at the moment can do nothing about it. And I hate that even more. As I sit here, bryan is off working out. And do you know what I did? I ate about 5 bites of banana pudding. WTF??? I'm off my frakkin' rocker. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3

Mood: Blah
Weather: sunny and crisp
Sick: ME

I feel like utter crap. I'm nauseous, my ear hurts, throat, cough, headache......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Also, it almost feels like I'm high on some bad drug. Since I've never done any drugs, I'm purely guessing on that, but still. I'm all woozy and lightheaded, so I decided...what I fine time to blog. LOL.

There is so much going through my head right now. So I'll just let it spill out.

Friends: I have wonderful friends. The only problem being, they don't live close to me. Let me ponder.....Julia, David, and Pam live here. Is that it???? The rest of my friends are spread out all over the country....and in the Middle East right now (that would be Joe and Sean). For some of my friends, I've only actually met them once. For some, I haven't seen them since high school, and other's I only know online. But I truely cherish each and every one of them. I just wish I could be like other people and make friends easily. I really don't. It's hard for me to open up to new people. Strange then that I'm doing this blog....hmmmm....maybe I'm growing or something. I'm completely shy when I first meet someone. And ALOT of people tend to think I'm a total snob at first meet. But truely, I'm horrible at small talk. I run outa things to say and just stand/sit there just looking at them.

I also tend to make friends with guys more than girls. Why? I have no idea. And it's weird being friends with guys.....because you never can truely fit in. Or at least I don't tend to. Hard to explain how I feel...hmmmmm....picture me standing with my friend (a guy) and a group of his friends. I might as well not even exist. Because I'm one of those beings that's not a true tomboy, but also not a girlie girl, so they don't know what to do with me. Not sure that's coming out right, might have to re-visit this at a later date.

No workout again today. Feeling like crap. Wonder if sweating would help or hurt. I'm mostly worried that I wouldn't be able to breathe. Hmmmmmmm. And of course, wanting to do something so badly, yet not being able too is frakkin' crappy if I do say so myself.

Day 2 part 2

So, I thought I was done blogging for the day, and then I almost coughed up a lung. OMG, it hurt sooooo bad. And then....and THEN, Laurana had water diahrrea. And then told me she felt like she was going to throw-up. And if that wasn't bad enough, as I was getting Colin ready for bed, I noticed the rash coming back. WTF???? We can NOT catch a break.

The moment I have the thought that things are swinging in the right direction, WHAM. And for me that never bodes well. Where is the silver lining?? How do I find it right now?? The more this lingers the crazier my mind gets.

And my heart is hurting for my friends that their father's are having serious health issues. I wish I could help them. It's almost a need to help them. But on is in Mass, the other in Central FL. Not easily accessible to me. Of course, I'm fairly certain they wouldn't want the sick queen around right now...lol.

I want to do more....be more.....but everyday I feel less deserving. Crazy I know. sigh

Thank you for reading this stuff. Living with depression is HARD. And I've really felt all alone for a long time. I had the 'nobody else feels like me' attitude. I was wrong.

Day 2

Weather: rainy (blah)
Mood: Up and Down
Someone sick: yes

Anther day, another illness in this house. Colin woke up with a rash on his legs and arms. WTF??? It has since faded, but what the heck is that about? Ahhhhhhhhh

On the good side, instead of wanting to fall on the floor and cry, I started laughing. Yes, it might have been slightly hysterical laughing, but it's better than crying.

Since that lovely start of the day, my emotions have been all over the place. I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm laughing, I'm crying, I feel confident, I feel like a shell......and that was in about 20mins. To add to the depression, I'm also dealing with PMS. The week before 'the flow' is 1000x worse for me than the week of. I turn into a total bitch, and have NO control over my mouth. You make me mad? You better watch out. RAWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR

I was thinking about this highschool band reunion that is coming up. Running through the pros and cons of going. Not sure any of my group are gonna be there. I haven't seen my girl friends from HS in OMG, 10-11yrs. Only one, Connie, have I seen in the last 4yrs. Geez.....how did I allow that to happen?

I'm horrible at keeping up with people. I truely despise talking on the phone, and am always afraid I'm bothering someone when I call them. I have a horrific fear of the phone. Don't know why....just always have. Facebook has helped me re-connect with people, but still, that's not as 'real' as seeing someone face to face.

I tend to smother my friends. Always afraid they're gonna get tired of me. I get antsy when I don't hear from them regurlaly. Afraid they've forgotten about me. So then I send out txts like "are you mad at me?" or "are we ok?" I mean, who wouldn't get tired of that crap? I would...lol.

No workout today. Just trying to disinfect my house. I call it Cleaning X.

Tune in tomorrow for more of.....Wildcat's ramblings....bwhahahahahaha

Day 1

My first day of blogging. Kinda scary for me. Putting my thoughts and dreams out into cyberspace. I'm no writer, and I have a tendecy to ramble, but I feel like I need to put down what's happening with my life. Maybe sharing my experiences will inspire/help others.

My name is Frances Ann. I'm 31yrs old and the mother of two kids. A girl who just turned 5 and a son who just turned 3. My husband is a preacher and a middle school teacher. So to say the least, I'm a very busy person.

This time last year I was striving to be in the best shape of my life. And I finally got there. I'm 5'10" and weighed in at 127. I was in the middle of a wonderful round of P90X, and was a member of an online group that supported me to no end. You see, in September I was to dress as a female Spartan at the sci-fi/fantasy/comic/pop culture/gaming convention called Dragon Con. And I did it. And I loved every moment of it.

I thought that I was part of a family in my online group. A supportive family. That ended up not being so. To some members, my costume wasn't up to par (as being the only girl, I had to come up with my own "Spartan bikini") and suddenly I felt like I wasn't good enough. My confidence was shattered. And no matter how much my husband and friends tried to tell me how great I looked, all I could here was I wasn't good enough.

And those thoughts have brought me to where I am today. I've gained 20lbs, and can hardly find the motivation to workout. Along with that, either I or my kids have been sick since Jan. 5th. I'd gain a little momentum in my workouts then WHAM sick again.

I've been dealing with depression for a number of years now, and let me tell you, having looked soooo good, to losing all my confidence in myself, to being sick and not working out.....I've fallen into a deep depression. I'm on medication (Paxil) but somedays even that doesn't help. I see pictures of myself from last year, and I don't even know who that is anymore. I want to find that girl again....but I'm so lost I'm scared I don't know how.

At this moment, I'm still sick, but I want to start my journey back. So I thought this would be a good starting point. Each day I'll be listing how I feel, what has happened in my mind, and my workouts. Here's to hoping I find a way to deal with it all. Maybe I'll find a connection between my depression and how I feel working out. I don't know....but I'm ready to find out.